.uncerrtain

I think I'm in the middle of an identity crisis. I've been feeling a little isolated lately and even though I've met new people, it still feels like there's something missing.

I like to think I can get along with people pretty okay. Factors dependent on this success include group size, degree of extroversion of others, environment, my level of alertness...

But I think I tend to lack the ability to forge that close bond that makes acquaintances and friends into close friends.

Granted, it has only been 6months since uni started, but it still feels like I'm surrounded by a lot more acquaintances than friends. It also feels like attachments I've made have been only fleeting and transient. I seem to have trouble holding on.

I'm not sure who are the kind of people I get along with the best. Whilst we're all multi-faceted in our personalities, I think I've developed a recent tendency to flit from one facet to another within a heartbeat. Unfortunately, the probability of forming some sort of connection with another human being seems to be dependent on whatever personality characteristic is dominating at the time. Right now, it feels like I've been changing from one characteristic to another, often complete contrasts, and experiencing a lot of mood swings to the point where I don't think I can build any connections at all at this rate because I can't hold onto one characteristic long enough to find people who are alike.

Even when I think I've figured out who I am exactly, I still can't find people who are that similar. Instead, I keep finding myself surrounded by people who share similar characteristics that I might share, but I don't share it to the same degree. Sometimes I feel like I may have found similar-minded people. But they're not the ones I'm always around, by choice or just naturally.

It's been very confusing. I'm not entirely sure of who I am at the moment, what kind of person I am, whether my state of mind and outlook is influenced by my perception of who I should be and how I should be living my life. It's all rather frustrating.

michkyxx

.soundtracks

I find soundtracks are a fabulous way of making your life feel just that marginally more dramatic, even if all you're doing is just meandering through a public garden. Hmm. Scratch that. Especially if you're just meandering through a public garden.

Mind you, I don't have that many soundtracks to begin with on my iPod, so my range is somewhat limited. Donnie Darko, Amelie, Anastasia, Across the Universe, Pirates of the Caribbean are the prominent ones.

I think Amelie in particular affects me. It gives me a bit too much false hope. I don't know if it's the accordion playing or just the plot of the movie, but everytime I listen to a piece from that soundtrack, I really do feel like something interesting and wildly romantic should suddenly happen to me.

Damn imagination.

michkyxx

.existentialism on prom night

sing me something soft
sad and delicate
or loud and out of key
sing me anything

I've realised I've been regressing a lot lately. I don't know whether it's because I'm freaking out that my birthday's rolling around this time of year again, or maybe it's because I can properly appreciate Captain Planet's messages now and the fact that Fads did used to send the wrong message to its target market and has now managed to find a loophole with a change in its presentation.

All in all, I think I'm adamantly refusing to "grow up".

I still don't even know what that means. Is there some real substantial difference between what I am now and what I will be when I've "grown up"? Have I already grown up? I suspect I may be in the middle of this long process. Will I realise when this sneaky little transformation's complete?

I miss the 90s. Maybe that's why I was recently described as that "small 90s looking Asian girl".

Or maybe not. I'm still really confused by that description.

michkyxx

.oasis

when i got to the party

they gave me a forty

and i must've been thirsty

'cause i drank it so quickly

Approximately two months ago, my parents implicitly labelled me as the family alcoholic, due to my penchant to (nowadays) legally and (somewhat) responsibly drink alcohol outside the family household.

I was having a driving lesson with my brother tonight when I was pulled over by the booze bus.

Apparently the law enforcement shares the same sentiments as my mother.

michkyxx

.confused

Every now and then I poke my head out from the little rock that I like to hide under. It's nice and stable under there, quite cosy, and evidently there's only enough room for little me. Because recently when I took a peek out at the open world, I found out:

- Bill Murray is well over 50 with many a wrinkle and grey hair.
- Pokemon is coming out with its 12th movie.
- Daniel Radcliffe is now officially out of his teenage years

When did everyone get so old. I want to go back to the 90s.
I also want to slowly and painfully wax off Daniel Radcliffe's chest hair.

michkyxx

.alcoholic friends

i'm counting back

the number of the steps

it took for me to get

back on

the wagon of the weekend

I can't wait to explore and wander again.
Free.
Content.
With few worries.

michkyxx

.sex changes

you're big enough to stop pretending.

I witnessed some relatively interesting dinner conversation between my parents the other night. Last Saturday night around 11pm, I was suddenly overcome with a horrible feeling of nausea and general dizziness, similar to downing 10 tequila shots in 20mins and then spinning around 30 times. I spent most of the next day practically bed-ridden, unable to sit up as my silly room refused to stop spinning and just stay still.

So my parents were still trying to figure out what triggered it. My father, a very hard-working man, claimed that it was obviously due to exam stress and studying so much (dubious, since I've started uni I've been doing less work than I was in Yr10).

My mother however, immediately scoffed this notion, clarified that this conclusion was applicable only to my father and brother, both of whom are capable of stressing to the point of illness. Me, however? "Just look at her, she doesn't work that hard."

I'm not sure whether I should feel insulted or complimented.

michxx